Choosing a Life Partner: How does one do it right?

Choosing the Right PartnerHappy Valentines Day!

Enjoy your day no matter what.  You may be someone who has chosen a partner to share the day with or you may be someone who wants to spend the day differently. Either way, have a blast.

It’s an ideal day to pose the above question.  So many of us, both young and old,  wonder about choosing our life partner.  We have all seen marriages made in heaven and others that end up you know where.

I have been intrigued about choosing the right partner in two ways — the initial choice of the partner and the many subsequent life choices made once you are together.  Therefore, I would like to re-frame the question as, “How much weight do you place in the choice of the partner vs. the life choices along the way?”

It seems to me, both from personal experience and after speaking to many folks, that we end up spending an enormous amount of time, effort and money trying to identify the perfect partner.  Some engineering types, like me,  even write down what they are looking for and the visualization types may even create a vision board with images of people they may want their partner to look like.   Then they make up a list of expectations of what they would like their partner to do or how they may behave.  And, now the search begins.

On the other side of the globe, especially in countries like India, where I was born and moved to the US in 1984, you hear of arranged marriages.  True arranged marriages are where neither party has any say and it just happens.  I have since been reminded that these happen less often nowadays and it’s more like a blind date.  Click here to read more about “A surprising new look at arranged marriages.”  While I did not start this post to elaborate on arranged marriages, I did a Google search just to make sure that I was sharing the right information and came across this New York Times article written just last month, “Modern Lessons From Arranged Marriages.”  What I have personally noticed in arranged marriages in addition to what these articles share is that the tolerance levels for accepting each others idiosyncrasies are higher in a couple who have agreed to this arrangement.

My purpose to present these two approaches to choosing a life partner is not to compare them or to discuss the merits of one over the other, but to direct your attention to the emphasis placed on the initial selection of the partner.  If I were to go on a limb, I would say that the choices you make when you are together matter a whole lot more than the initial choice of your partner.

We are not only misguided by our assumptions but also as we are mostly under the influence of our invisible drives — our greed (PIG), our fear (APE) and the ego, we tend to make our choices based on the wrong motivations.

Becoming keenly aware of the hidden forces stemming from our ego, greed or fear is vitally important for making wise long-term choices and even more so when it comes to the moment-to-moment choices that truly influence the quality of your life experience and as a couple.

In conclusion, the answer to the question is not about focusing too much on the choice of the right partner, but more so on the life you create with the partner you choose.

Be mindful and present each moment as you make your choices,


About Krishna Pendyala

Author of "Beyond the PIG and the APE: Realizing SUCCESS and true HAPPINESS". I am a life coach, speaker and workshop leader. My vision is to enhance life on our planet by raising awareness of the ego, in a simple manner. My commitment is to empower men and women make better choices to achieve joy and fulfillment, without protracted struggles or huge personal crises. I believe we can create an enlightened society where inner awareness empowers people to thrive in harmony.
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3 Responses to Choosing a Life Partner: How does one do it right?

  1. Ned Renzi says:

    Good post

    Sent from my iPhone

  2. Ned Renzi says:

    Love who you marry rather than marry who you love

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. Joe Stafura says:

    This is an interesting question for some of us that have had two “life” partners, if you lived that situation what becomes clear is that what we desire is a partner in life. And as any partnership the alignment of purpose is key.

    In our work at The Affective Computing Company it is understood that the key to a successful partnership is a “store” of positivity that can be accessed when things get tough, and this inventory of good will is a critical element in the success of the partnership.

    A short summary that shows this clearly. Researchers have discovered that in monitoring the exchanges between partners that a sustainable relationship required a multiple of positive exchanges for every negative interaction, and that types of partnership mattered, e.g. Work related and marriage.

    The research for workers shows less than a 3:1 ratio of positive to negative predicted low performance in working teams over 90% of the cases.

    The research for marriage showed an even higher bar to clear, which isn’t a surprise when you consider what is at stake. The researchers found that they tested hundreds of couples over five years and discovered that those with a Positive to Negative ratio of lower than 5:1 would be divorced within 5 years, and this was the case 95% of the time.

    With that in mind, subconsciously hopefully, I wish you a day of positive exchanges and smiling faces.

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